she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
