I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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