So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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