bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
