She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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