omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Vodka?
Forever.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
