I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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