I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
