Swine flu. Run for my life!
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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