Umm I'm too high to move.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
