I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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