so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
