all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
