Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Randomize
