if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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