I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
