naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
