On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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