I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
