Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
