If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
