yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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