his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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