i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
