Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
