I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
