my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
