the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
