If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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