sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
