Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
