Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There r osticjed everywhere
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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