You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
