Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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