This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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