Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
