I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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