Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
