I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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