I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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