She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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