i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
