Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
