He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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