"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
