There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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