Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
