So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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