Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
