If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
