That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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